t minus 15 days.
& i couldn't be happier.
i need the days to go by fast.
lately i have been losing it.
tears have been streaming like crazy.
a few years ago i took an emotional journey.
i didn't plan for it to be one, i just wanted to travel & have fun.
i went to a school that trains you to do mission work.
the first two months were spent wholly on ourselves.
asking questions about who we are & who we want to be.
feelings i had buried deep inside me came out.
mostly anger towards several people that have hurt me in ways they will never know.
i was told that i needed to forgive them
& to move on.
what they didn't know,
i wasn't telling the whole story.
i couldn't tell them.
i haven't told anyone.
don't plan on it either.
i was able to forgive one person.
he was an idiot.
he scarred me.
he attacked me one night when we were alone.
he hurt me.
i went to his house to help him figure out what to do with his gf problems.
it was like straight out of a movie.
apparently he had been planning this for a while but i kept ignoring him.
i went to help him
& he took advantage of me.
i cried for months.
tried to press charges but the prick's dad was a lawyer.
he got away with it.
he's scum, & i haven't seen him since.
i know that someday he will pay for his actions.
i was able to rely on a few close people to get me through the rough times.
i love them.
the other people i need to forgive....
well, i can't.
it affects me so deeply everyday.
constantly i have thoughts that bring me down.
lately i have been more & more hurt.
for a long time i was like a statue,
i couldn't cry if you paid me a million dollars.
right now,
i would have about a billion dollars.
it feels good to finally be able to cry.
but it's like out of control. it's annoying.
everything makes me cranky.
i can't even talk about it to others because i'll cry
then i babble & it's hard to understand.
so, i guess this is my way of getting it out.
i don't count on many people reading it
so i feel i can open up more.
i need someone to talk to.
i really do.
i guess that's what will be good about Hawaii.
more time to talk about my feelings & to be away from several
sources of my problems.
i will miss my man though.
he's doing amazing right now and is very happy.
i like to see him happy.
he's one person i really count on to just hold me
& make me feel better without really doing much.
:]
ugh,
i hope that i can get over these blues soon.
it's so not like me to be like this.
usually i'm a happy person.
nothing really bothers me.
it's weird.
anywho.
i have family coming to visit for my sister's
high school graduation.
i have to finish cleaning.
& make me some
belguim waffles & strawberries!
YUM!
happy memorial day.
thanks to everyone that has served for our country
& for those that continue to serve.
God bless & protect you.
